Rip It Up and Start Again

“Hurry up, please. It’s time. No more waffling or procrastinating. You really need to finish up the old business that has dragged on too long. You really should come to definitive decisions about ambiguous situations, even if they show no sign of resolution. As for those nagging questions that have yielded no useful answers: I suggest you replace them with different questions. And how about those connections that have been draining your energy? Re-evaluate whether they are worth trying to fix.” (Rob Brezsny’s Free Will Astrology, Leo, Week of July 18)

It’s 9:30 on a Wednesday morning. I’ve been up since about 7:15, flopping around in a sleepy haze until I drove to Whole Foods to pick up a special treat for myself that I’ve been craving all week—coffee beans.

Coffee, that delicious black elixir, still brings me to life despite our nearly six-month breakup. But sitting on the floor, a cup of coffee with coconut milk by my side and what sounds like a Talking Heads Orange Juice song on the radio, it really feels like summer. It’s raining, just enough to make it “cool” and require long sleeves, one of those moves that makes me feel like I’m really adjusting to being a South Florida resident.

Sometimes I’m hard on myself about “where I am,” or my place. Recently my life could be defined by great vegetarian meals, long bike rides, metro rides, freelance work, good movies and better books, all in-roads to discovering this new stage and transition and place. Sure there are days I miss editing and writing more, and working on a team, but recent collaborations with Jeff have inspired me to think and work, and use my talents, in ways that I’ve never experienced. Self motivated endeavors, even, writing press releases for our upcoming southern tour (more to follow!). I’m learning to associate myself not just with a job or profession but with my true talents.

I’m over the bullshit of worrying about what other people think about my, our crazy little life down here. Sure it’s not mainstream, it’s not normal, and sometimes I think our living in a warehouse annoys our muscle-toting, WOD-ing neighbors, but too bad. This chance only comes once in a while, to live and think and breathe with all this space. It would be wasted if I spent another fraction of a second [feeling annoyed] about them and their booming, terrible music.

All of a sudden—maybe it’s something about the rain, the coffee, finding motivation and inspiration and the DRAW to write again—the reality of my youth, my liveliness, my future all rushes to the foreground and blocks out the rest. It’s summer! It’s my FAVORITE time of the year. I get to wake up every morning and plan my day, which most of the time includes doing WHATEVER I WANT. I learn new things, I meet all sorts of interesting people, I go wherever my legs and two wheels will take me. I STILL get paid to write for a living, and I’m in love with, and in a partnership with, someone who loves, adores and respects me and wants to see me grow.

I can’t possibly think of a better way to live, right here and right now, a 16-ounce mug of coffee in my hand, gentle summer rain falling outside and endless possibilities in front of me.


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