From Debbie Ford’s “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers”:
“All of your so-called faults, all the things which you don’t like about youself are your greatest assests…They are simply overamplified. The volume has been turned up a bit too much, that’s all. Just turn down the volume a little. Soon you—and everyone else—will see your weaknesses as your strengths, your ‘negatives’ as your ‘positives.’ They will become wonderful tools, ready to work for you rather than against you.”
All weekend in teacher training, our shadow side as mentioned above from Debbie Ford’s book, our emotions and energy lines, through meridians, intentions and chakras, were the focus. These things naturally came into focus in the fifth month of our training, too, though, dredging up different aspects of ourselves that we hadn’t necessarily faced yet through this intensive process. I know I’ve been digging, and digging some more, recently, keeping a figurative list in my head of the issues I knew I’d revisit.
As we closed the weekend, Jessica read an update about today’s full moon from Lilian Laishley. The passage not coincidentally invites us to face our shadow side. What fears, patterns or behaviors have we been afraid to look at, work with, realize?
A lot of my fears are based on getting approval from my father. As I moved through the emotions and reactions (and actions) that came from that fear, as well as where I thought it was grounded, I realized I had to face it. Not put it off for a special date, not write a letter and blow it up into a bigger issue. Just communicate clearly and effectively, knowing that I might be met with dissapproval…
…but that would be OK. While I fully believe and try to live with child-like play, lightness and fun, I have the confidence to say I’m a grown ass woman. (Jenna coined that phrase for me, and I’m sticking to it!) My decisions are my own, whether they’re good, bad or crazy.
I had dinner with Jim last night, and as I got out of the car, I joked that I would just dial up my dad and tell him. Face my fear, stop putting it off.
And that’s exactly what I did. I stopped hiding from it. Our conversation went about like I had expected it too, and I cried and was upset and feeling wounded afterwards. I felt a little emotionally bruised this morning, too, but decided that what I did, face my fear, was empowering.
I can’t feel hurt. I feel empowered.
This morning Cortney and I sat at the BikeHaus table eating breakfast. We talked about our need to feel approval from certain people and influences in our lives, and her takeaway was that we really need to feel the approval of OURSELVES, in our hearts, not from or of anyone else.
I walked back in my room to get ready for work, our conversation still prominent. It’s exactly what I needed to hear: I’m not afraid of my dad’s approval, I’m afraid of my own, of trusting that I have my own best interest at heart and that I’m TRULY following my heart.
Like I posted before, when you put it out there, when you let go and release, you realize what you feared/wanted/needed was right there. The moments Cortney and I had been talking, the sweetest words, the strongest, most reassuring e-mail of love, encouragement and support was in my inbox, waiting for me like a blessing. From my dad.
He reaffirmed that our connection and communication was good, and important. But above all else, this line from my dad brings tears to my eyes: “I am so glad that you’ve found happiness in yoga.”
Happiness, and so, so much more. Without it, I don’t think I would have had the courage of a grown ass woman to speak my truth, face my fear, embrace my shadow, and listen to my heart.
Enjoy the day, and enjoy the full moon.